Friday, July 22, 2011

Don't Shoot the Messenger

 You know how most of the skeletons you've heard of either are underground or hiding in a closet somewhere? Well, I'm not like most skeletons. Nope, I am a mover; a shaker; anything but a faker.
 I go to work every night and earn my keep. It's a real skeleton crew at night. Usually just me and a buddy of mine. You may not see us on the screen that much, but guys like Billy Cuff and I really make your world a lot more enjoyable. If you are watching the news or catching a show, we are responsible for punching all the right buttons. If it wasn't for us, you would be watching a blue screen right now....... Back in the day, that blue screen would actually be nothing more than static. Lol. That was also when we had to get up and go turn the channel on a round dial. Sometimes, if the signal didn't come in too good, we would gently pull on the dial and stick a coin in there to keep it locked into place. Wow, that seems so primitive compared to what kids have today.
 Like I said, I don't do it all by myself up here at Fox-31. Billy does most of the work, but occasionally he lets me help out. I gave him a break every once and awhile to make a phone call or to jump on Facebook. Lol.
 When we aren't in the control room, it is imperative that we make sure the weather report is accurate and ready to go for the next newscast. On this particular evening, we were preparing for some HOT weather. This was about a month ago and now I hear that the rest of the country is catching up with us. There has been news story after news story about the heat wave.  To that I say "Boo Hoo." Nobody made you live there. Get over it already. Put on your big girl panties and take it like a woman.
For a week after this forecast, we experienced 7 straight days of 99+ degree heat.  Many days it was 102 or hotter. It was just as hot for me as it was for you so before you shoot the messenger, just remember that I prepare the weather, I don't make it.

Hope you enjoyed seeing what a busy skeleton does during his night shift job. Maybe soon I will show you some of the cool things we do when we are goofing around with the news crew.

I Smart 2

 I love classic cars. I would love nothing better than to get modern fuel efficiency by driving a classic piece of Americana. However, we know that gas is outragious and anyone who's anyone knows I love to travel. When I decided to get my last car, I searched high and low. Finally, I settled for something practical, affordable, and pretty darn "smart."
 I knew people already loved to stare at me so I figured I would give them one more thing to gawk at to help them get on with their sad lives.  What they didn't expect, however, was that I was gonna give them a BOGO deal of a lifetime. I couldn't decide on a white or a black car, so............................
 I got one of each. Now I can honestly say I am helping the environment WHILE not being prejudiced. Oh, and that stereotype about once you go black you never go back, yeah, it's a lie. I drive the white one just as much as I do the black car.
So if you are looking for a fuel efficient, cool looking, SMART Car, give me a call and I will hook you up with the best dealer in the area.

Lordy, Lordy, Marti turned 40...

 It may be hard to believe that such a cool guy as Walter has a sister who many claim to be "normal." However, it is the truth. This past year she celebrated 40 years of being alive. I told her that's nothing; I've been celebrating the last 500 years of being undead.

It was good to hang out with Marti and her friends that night. I'm just a little upset that none of her friends ever  called me afterwards. I mean, come on, they were all OVER THE HILL so if any weren't married, it's not like I was out of their league.  Give a skeleton a chance...

I'm Not Just Whistling Dixie...

 People often ask me if I use soap and water to get myself clean. I usually respond by laughing like Ron White then insult them. How else do you think I am gonna get clean? I am an educated skeleton who loves to charm the ladies. Am I supposed to reek of week old body odor and accomplish this? Come on, seriously???

I'm a Manly Man, um, skeleton.
I use Old Spice High Endurance Body Wash to get that 8 hour clean smell the ladies have come to love.....
So, before you go assuming that all I do is sit around and rot, give me a hug and tell me what you think.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Getting to Know Papa Goff

 Some people see me and think I am just plain strange. I'm a skeleton who likes to frequent the same places you do; I enjoy doing the same things you do; And I probably like the same people you do. I am gonna tell you about one such person who you might know as well.
 The very first time Walter took me to his parent's house to meet Papa and Granny, I was a little apprehensive. Not everyone has Walter's sense of humor. What was I about to encounter? Was I gonna be left out in the truck the whole weekend? I really wasn't feeling too well that day and the thought that they may not accept me was making my stomach churn. I thought about something to talk about to break the ice. As I hobbled out of the truck, my mind was at ease because all around I could see things that I could relate to. There were Georgia Bulldog flags flying, Georgia Bulldog stickers all over the vehicles and even a cool Honda  Goldwing 1800 trike that had Georgia Bulldog stickers and medallions all over it. I was gonna be just fine.
 Papa took a few minutes to tell me all the details and specs of his toy. I never knew anyone could take a one minute story and turn it into a half hour mini-novel. WOW, that man could talk. Lol. I see where Walter gets it from now.....

After we talked about what the trike could do, I asked if he would take me for a ride. You know what, he did.  And it was the first and only time I have been on a motorcycle. I really think Papa enjoyed it more than me. Walter said he saw a look on his father's face that day that had been missing. Papa Goff was like a kid again. He was about to ride around his neighborhood with a skeleton on the back of his trike and it made him happy.
 Papa helped me onto the back of the bike and made sure I wouldn't fly off while we were riding. He was so cautious and made sure nothing went wrong. I was nervous, but seeing the joy on his face made everything alright. I was getting excited and my face clearly showed it.
 Papa couldn't stop smiling either. You have to admit, we were two handsome gents riding on the trike that day.
 Papa carefully turned the trike around and soon we were off on our adventure. We may have only gone around the block, but it was the memory we created that will live on. Papa was able to say he drove around with a skeleton on his trike and I can say I got to ride on a trike with an awesome human being.

The wind blew through his hair and over my bald head. His eyes watered and my eye sockets were bare. He wore protective shoes and I propped my foot on one footpeg and my stub on the other. I was free. As Walter likes to put it, I was "Enjoying life." I really was. This one time I got to spend with Papa Goff will live on in my memory for as long as I continue to exist.
 The ride came to an end and Papa let me just sit there for awhile. I thought about what we had just done and I could still feel the vibration of the bike long after it was no longer running. I remembered the looks on the people as we rode past and Papa waved. I saw the kids pointing and smiling and it made me happy. I remember Papa grinning and wondered just what he was thinking. I had a really good time that day.
 That was the one and only time I rode with Papa Goff. As I sit here and reflect on his life, I am proud to say I was his friend. He never judged me nor did he ever say I wasn't welcome in his house. He got a kick out of watching the joy Walter got from taking me around various places and taking pictures of me. I only have one regret and that is the fact that I didn't have longer to spend with him in this life. Papa Goff went on to ride the winding roads in Heaven.
One day, when we meet again, I hope to hear all about the funny things he did in Heaven as he waited for us. I know the Angels are laughing daily at the stories he is telling them and if flirting is prohibited there, I'm sure he is breaking the rules each and every day because one thing I learned about him from my brief time with him  on this earth is that "Papa" was 100% Goff and that is why we all loved him.

In loving memory of Morris Levy Goff Jr.
May 2, 1943 - March 11, 2011

Monday, July 18, 2011

That's Just Wrong.......

 I actually have no story to go with these two pictures. I just want to know how much of a prude you are and see if you think there is anything wrong with a nude skeleton cutting the grass? I mean, if this was the first post you read, you might be like "Why is there a skeleton cutting the grass." However, this ISN'T the first blog you've read about Fred and instead you are thinking "Where are Fred's clothes???"
Come on, admit it, you are getting that uneasy feeling, aren't you??? Why? It's just a skeleton cutting the grass, in the buff, wearing his birthday suit, going all natural, etc... So, you gonna comment or not? What's the matter, ARE you a prude?

Still Womanless After All These Years.

 Well, I was feeling a little frisky one day so I set out to find me a little woman, or a big woman, or any woman for that matter. Hey, I know I can't be choosy.  I would be doing well just to find a woman with a pulse.
 I looked far and wide. I looked high and I looked low. For some reason, I was unable to find ANYONE no matter where I went. I wasn't looking for love. I wasn't looking for romance. I wasn't even looking for anything you might imagine. All I wanted was some company.
 I grinned this way. I grinned that way. But no matter how much I grinned or in what direction, It was all a waste of energy that day.
 I showed off my good side. I showed off my bad. I gave it all I had.....
 For some reason on this particular day, I was unable to get some play. Monopoly, Checkers, Etc. You get the point.....
 I thought if I monkeyed around, some cute little something might join in the fun. I was looking for somebody to teach me how to climb so I could teach her how to dangle. (Sorry, copyright infringement, but you know that is a good line). Lol
 I was about to give up when I thought about what I could use to lure a female close enough to even pretend she was with me. I found a hot dog joint nearby and just knew how much women LOVE to eat. I was getting excited until I noticed the OPEN sign wasn't lit. Oh, the guy stumbling down the street clearly was, but like the clown used to say, "Homey don't play that."
 I couldn't get a girl. I couldn't get any food. I tried for a drink, but that was't happening either. I was about to give up when I remembered what women love more than food. I was so hoping to share a Coke and a smile, but that wouldn't happen this day. I had to roll up my sleeves, well, tighten my belt, and buy what NO woman has the ability to turn down.............
 I found a nice little ice cream truck, scared the poor guy driving half to death and offered to buy his ENTIRE truckload if only he would help me find a woman. I'm not sure if he understood why I was looking or what I was looking for, but he shook his head, sold me some premium soft serve and dropped me off at a place SOME of you may be familiar with......
I never did find a woman, but after all that searching I was pretty tired and since I was moody and having hot flashes, I decided to go ahead, get a room, and have me a pity party. You know, that manager guy tried to charge me by the hour. Then again, I'm sure SOME of you already knew that's how they charged..... LOL.