Sunday, July 17, 2011
I Once Caught a Fish T-H-I-S BIGGGG!!!!!!!
On a dark and stormy night on a little river named Coochee Creek, I found myself floating downstream at a rather mediocre pace. The mosquitoes were buzzing and the water was reeking from trash and debris. Something brushed my leg and sent a chill up my spine. Not the frightening kinda chill. You know, the good kind. Anyway, I knew that something big was beneath me and I wasn't about to let it get away.
Being the resourceful skeleton I was, I quickly surveyed the situation and saw that I had no pole. I had no fish hook. I had no string. I had no bobber. I had no bait. Crap. How did I actually expect to catch this monster fish? I would be the laughing stock of Coochee Creek if I didn't find SOME WAY to land him. What was I to do? What could I use for bait? Then it hit me. It hit me HARD. The fish, silly, not some clever idea. It kept ramming my legs and knocking me around the creek. It about flipped me upside down one time and finally bolted to the far side of the creek when I noticed it turned and came for me once again. By this time I was fuming (probably as a direct result of my interior composition decomposing in the raw sewage that had been dumped into this creek). I had had enough. I was gonna catch this fish and I knew exactly how to do it.
Now by this time, that stupid fish had me sideways. I didn't know which way was north, south, east or west. I didn't know if I was going up or down the creek. I didn't know if the fish was alone or in a school. All I knew was that I had quit enjoying that little chill he sent up my spine. I wanted it to stop and I was just the skeleton to do it. Besides, who else was there to help me???
I saw the ripple of the water as it came near me. The water swirled. The water sprayed. The water did things I have never seen water do before. Hmm, now that I think about it, maybe I was just in the water and heat and mosquitoes too long and was beginning to imagine things. What I do know is that the fish was headed straight towards me. Right as it was about to ram my legs, I spread them, made a fist and I punched that fish so hard, his lips quivered, his mouth opened and my arm was soon all the way inside him. He clamped down on my arm as I grabbed a hold of whatever internal organs I could find. He took me to the bottom of the creek and thrust back and forth like a bucking horse. Soon we were headed towards the surface. Before I knew it, we were both airborne and as I opened my eyes, all I could see was this very same dock where I'm sitting today. I reached out and found myself clinging to a rotting piece of wood with one hand and some half-digested swamp rat in the other. I almost lost my lunch right then, but I knew this was no longer a game. It was him or me. Do or die. Sink or swim. Yada yada yada..... I held on and when all hope was gone, I felt my finger dislodge, break off and get stuck deep in the fish's throat. After an epic battle, the fish wound up choking to death on my digit.